Sunday, August 26, 2007

So What Are You Doing This Summer? Part Two...

A child of the village spends his or her summer in Europe, as already stated in an earlier post, and so like the rest of my spoiled brethern, August has found me typing away from an internet cafe in London. Spent my plane ride with a bunch of Canada's future Jewish lawyers. Anyway - not much to report - although I'm not sure how the Faux Hillary jet set handle European Starbucks, a much more plebian experience. Made an ass of myself in one today, when after ordering my classic grande non fat one raw sugar latte, the Barista responded succinctly, "we don't put in the sugar. You do. It's over there."

If he thought my order was a bit over the top, I'd have loved to have seen how he would have responded to his face at some of the more complicated orders down Spadina and Lonsdale way; there's more comma's down there then you shake your gucci at.

Latah suckers this Faux Hillary has a pile of bags from Selfridges at my feet.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Won't Somebody Please Think of the Children

When you're an Upper Canada Old Boy with a decent pedigree (ie someone in your family was a member of the Family Compact); you drive a hand-me down late model German sedan, you have no student debt and you still remember the family password to your account at Summerhill Market (ie your street address, them RosedAliens are smart, eh?) what exactly do you do with your life besides fuck your waife, blond and blase girlfriend?

You start a not for profit! Trust me. This is done all the time.

Seeing as I have a decent pedigree, but no late model German sedan and definately no waiffish girlfriend [although I would like a boyfriend if someone can find me one], I thought - I'd also start my own not for profit. And so I present the world: Won't Somebody Please Think of the Children.

Backgrounder: Won't Somebody Please Think of the Children (WSPTOTC) is a Canadian registered charity that was founded on the basis of helping the underclass of twenty-somethings in Canada. Too often we pay attention to hot topics, such as "Global Warming" and the "HIV Pandemic" yet in our own backyard there are children and young adults who have needs too. WSPTOTC was established in order to help this hidden and growing underclass. We provide both financial support through direct capacity building grants and also emotional support, by organizing social functions to provide much needed emotional counselling for Canadian youth who feel that they are not reaching their potential. One example of our capacity to create moral support for needy children is our wildly succesful "Fun and Firkin" evening. Our Firkin evenings bring together groups of Canada's newest underclass at various Firkin pubs, across Canada, allowing for peer support and mutual misery. Thanks to the bottlers at Alexander Keith for their strong corporate support over the years.

Capcity grants are directed through our networks of needy children that need YOUR help. Consider the following:

1) David McMulkin - David has dreamed of going to U of T law school since he shadowed his father Patrick McMulkin, a senior partner at Tory's, during career day at Upper Canada. After writing the LSAT's four times he has yet to crack the 70th percentile. With no hope of getting into a Canadian law school David is situationally depressed and continues to spend his summers getting drunk at the Key to Bala in Muskoka.

$20.00 you can buy him a hamburger and pint of stella at the Toronto Lawn and Tennis Club
$100.00 you can sponsor him a new lacoste polo
$100,000 you can sponsor his entrance fee, via legacy commitments, into an ivy
league law school in the States

2) Joshua Borenstein - Joshua has wanted to be a doctor ever since his mother sat him down at his Bar Mitzvah and let him know that he had two options in life: doctor or lawyer. After seeing how happy his father, Dr. Borenstein, made his mother Joshua knew he would follow in the "family business" and become a doctor. After failing the MCAT's and causing a complete shunda for his family, Joshua has finally been accepted into medical school in Australia.

$30,000 you can cover rent for his Sydney apartment
$15,000 you can sponsor Joshua to come home for Rosh hashannah alleviating him from his mother's Jewish guilt. To quote Mrs. Borenstein: "What? You're not going to come home and visit your mother? I made your favourite honey cake."

WSPTOTC Mission Statement: Screw the kids dying in Africa. Won't somebody please think of the children?

Quote: "While Angelina Jolie are busy adopting children from Africa - I've been able to fulfill the dreams of children living right here in Canada. Because of my work through WSPTOTC - Miriam Birnbaum got to finish her master's in psychology at the University of New South Wales. Miriam was unable to do her Master's here in Canada because her humanistic studies BA from McGill wasn't deemed appropriate for
acceptance to the University of Toronto." - Mildly Famous Canadian Television Celebrity