Wednesday, December 05, 2007

A Holiday Greeting from the Prime Minister

Dear Village Resident!

Friends, or should I say Chavarim!

Take me to your leader! Oh wait - that's me!

Happy Hanukkah. As part of my party's multi-cultural outreach policy as devised by Secrety of State (Minister of Multi-Culturalism) Jason Kenney (or as his homies call him: Yusaf Abdul Cohen), the MP from the very multi-cultural riding of Calgary South-East, I have targeted your house and your neighbourhood (Faux Hill) as potentially voter rich with "ethnic" swing support. I know what you're thinking - ethnic? me? "But Steve- I'm about as white as you can get." In fact the only ethnic person you probably know is your nanny, but she's of no use to me until you free her from the bonds of indentured servitude (who cares about landed immigrants - not me!). But back to you - because this really is all about you: the residents of Forest Hill. It has been brought to my attention that the Jewish people and their support of the Conservative Part of Canada and our pro-Israeli policy is very important to my political future; and by proxy, subsequently the future of Canada.

Kenney (who isn't gay, FYI so, let's stop the rumours - he's from Calgary - there aren't any gay people in Calgary) has let me know that today is Hanukkah, or Chanukkah. And boy do you guys confuse me with your multiple word spellings... I wasn't quite sure what Hanukkah was so I decided to watch a couple of episodes of the OC with Laureen and the kids (what a precipitous decline after Season 1, eh?). That scrawny yid tried to explain this festival as something about a miracle involving some Macabees and oil... not sure what the miracle is about oil - guess the Macabees had never heard about all that oil due East of Jerusalem? I do, however, understand the plight of the Macabees - too much oil increased commodity exports from Temple Mount which then raised the value of the Shekel on the international market, crippling Tel Aviv's burgeoning manufacturing economy. History, shall we say, continues to repeat itself. Matitiyahu - I empathize...

But let me tell you about the real meaning of Hanukkah... which, as I explained to Heather Reisman last night as we lit the first candle and then played dreidel on the floor of her "Dreidel Spinning Room" as Gerry sang along to Peter Paul and Mary's 'Light one Candle' (he is quite the barritone, I'll have you know, but also don't bet against Heather, lost me many a shekel last night) - the real miracle of Hanukkah is that my government - Canada's New Government (we're still New until the decree comes from my office to change that) - has lasted as long as it has. Be it ineffective opposition leadership from Celine, economically dubious tax cuts and inefficient policies from yours truly - seems like nobody can hold us down. Certainly not Antiochus and certainly not that asshole and my former mentor, the Chin who Shall not be Named (cough cough Brian Mulroney cough cough - Laureen! I think I'm choking on a piece of Hanukkah gelt).

But I am digressing from the point of this letter, and I know, I know, you're all busy eating potato pancakes, or latke's (see how down a white kid from Etobicoke is? I'm so down with the current residents of Etobicoke that they call me Harp-izzle), so let's get to the kosher meat of the matter. As we head into the New Year some of you may once again be thinking of voting Liberal in the on again, off again Spring election. With certain threats of corruption and mismanagement being leveled at my government, all of my hard work at convincing you. I'd like to leave you with one final thought on why you should continue to support me and by proxy the Conservative Party of Canada.

Vote for Steve! He understands your needs!

Oh and I'm just saying, perhaps, we shouldn't listen to Karl Schreiber - threatened with extradition back to the Reich - yes, that would be Germany... Hope my point is as clear as the water in the Dead Sea...

With that - I wish you a very Happy Hanukkah. Looks like Laureen is making me latke's for dinner, yummers!

Heil Harper


Anonymous said...

bad bad

Anonymous said...

hahahaha! faux-hillary you are hilarious!